there are two versions of me, and they share a desk.
one of them is energized, curious, moving. he wakes up thinking about the thing he’s building and can’t wait to get to it. he’s good company.
the other one is slower. he checks his email too many times, reads the same message twice, starts things and doesn’t finish them. he’s not lazy, exactly. he’s afraid. the future feels uncertain and the uncertainty has weight to it, and the weight makes everything harder.
same person. same desk. same idea. different weather inside.
what I’ve learned, and keep having to re-learn, is that there are two things that move me from one version to the other. neither of them are grand. neither happened in one revelatory moment. they’re just things I do, mostly on days when the fear is winning.
the first is accepting the worst.
not in a defeatist way, not throwing your hands up, but actually sitting with it. what is the actual worst case? say it out loud, or write it down. and then, usually, something loosens. because the worst case is survivable. it’s not the end. and once you accept that the floor exists and it won’t swallow you whole, you can stop bracing for it. the heaviness doesn’t disappear but it becomes manageable, like a bag you’ve decided to carry instead of one that’s dragging you.
the second is following something interesting.
not as an escape, not to avoid thinking about the hard stuff, but because curiosity and dread don’t coexist very well. when you’re genuinely pulled toward something, an idea, a problem, a rabbit hole, the fear quiets. not permanently, not forever, but enough. enough to work. enough to feel like yourself again.
I used to think of this as a distraction and feel a little guilty about it. now I think it’s closer to a recalibration. you’re not running from the thing you’re afraid of, you’re reminding yourself of the thing you love.
the thing about both of these is that they don’t fix anything. the uncertainty is still there the next morning. but on a good day, most days, that’s fine. it’s just enough to get you through today, which is all you need.
then tomorrow arrives, and the whole thing begins again.